Home

Advertisement

Customize
About this Journal
Current Month
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031
Jan. 4th, 2008 @ 10:29 am human condition.
i ever never understood what that means. i heard people say it, but i don't think people really have a common understanding. or maybe my own version is .... uh .... dffrnt.

like for example, we are 'sequential' plops. we do one thing, then we do another thing. i'm not talk'n about excluding multitasking, cause i didn't say we couldn't do more than one string-of-things at a time. its just when we do thinkgs, first we do one thing then we do another thing. events get ordered by the way they happen (or the way we make them happen). past orderings are immutable.

this, of course, sucks. since: if we had known-now-then, we could have known-done to get the effect we wanted from what we were doin then.
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jan. 4th, 2008 @ 09:01 am seasonal affectedness disorder.
i think that's what its called. i don't have it.
i think i have the inverse of it.

its pouring rain right now in silicon valley. its windy. overcast.
no thunder tho -- too bad. i like it, i hear the noise of the rain
on the roof of the car, i grin.

back at the house in michigan, i had snow two days in a row, i was
out shoveling, and at first it sucked. then after a bit -- i realized
i liked being at my house, and that the shoveling was ... nice ...
maybe it won't be next time, but it was pretty outside, not too cold,
not too windy, trees salted with snow, and i was working thought the
snow shovel by shovel. i grinned.

i seem to like a variety of weather. i hated LA cause the weather
was sunshime every day. it was like the sun was out to burn me, day
after day the same thing.

i like the cloudy days, the rainy days.
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Dec. 7th, 2007 @ 09:09 pm who who'da knew?
not me. nope, not me. nobody told me.
i didn know. no news, never saw, no advice, didn notice.

i have paid the piper.

BUT wrong. i didn xakly do that ... no ..
did my best, did was right, but when i did

... overpaid.


but fair is fair. right is right.

news is now. new news is... balance.
... justice.

piper OVERPAYS back.
karma's a bitch.
less of course,
it pays inta
yer bank.
...like
mine
About this Entry
3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Aug. 9th, 2007 @ 08:37 pm -warning-warning-waning.
a post. me?

i have been to bryce, arches, zion. ridden to lick observatory.
my washer is fixed.
my fridge is next.

i want more floor, more bandwidth, more basement, want the
transmission fixed, want new floor.

damn.
About this Entry
4 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Aug. 9th, 2007 @ 08:16 pm -warning-warning-waning.
i'ma post soon.

mebe even NOW

i just need more cheeto's
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Oct. 20th, 2006 @ 09:32 pm death.
no not me.
( my sister. )
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Sep. 23rd, 2006 @ 05:08 pm to my journal.
have i told you?
about finding june taylor in the san francisco
farmers market, to buy syrup for a fine dinner?

or about bicycling today?
behind three other people, and having them all
fall back behind me, all the while me apologizing for using
their wind...

or fresh dates found at a closer farmer's market,
juicy soo sweet, while i remember talking to a friend yesterday,
when drinking, and thinking about the more than dozen
shooting stars in death valley.

or about the motorcycle here?
which is getting fixed, since i curse the things i own,
but bless them when their time has come.

and its visits to strange places?
hauling both me and another to places of high fashion,
places painting memories, painting views, and buiding friendships.

and the motorcycle at home?
that waits for me, asking me for new history.

no, not me... as i sit here, eating my own made,
still wondering if this is exhile, or a time for
rediscovery.
About this Entry
3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Sep. 9th, 2006 @ 02:34 pm .-.
at times i have had gifts for you,
some to touch, some to see.

my gift to you here is
a poem.

i believe, but dont really know,
whether what i have writ, has been
in your hands
but think you've read what i
can write.


i have heard that you have already
choosen your path, and wonder
how. i have little wisdom to give,
since my own choices would seem so
odd.

but i hope as you choose, you do not
narrow based on fears of outcomes.
i hope instead that you showered the world
with your hopes, and from that reaped what
you would like.
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jan. 21st, 2006 @ 06:19 pm time...
the dreams.
the dreams.

of late, it is time.
i still have but to

but to...

curse.

it is time, time now to curse.
i will call. i have the dreams
it is time to curse.

i can call.
i will call.
About this Entry
1 comment
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Oct. 26th, 2005 @ 08:08 am choices...
i'm taking the motorcycle course offered by MSF...

i had the class part yesterday.
i have the riding part saturday and sunday.

the courses in michigan aren't offered till the spring.
i'd like to get practice in before then...

i've got the training license for motorcycles already.
i'm not sure how to finish the requirements for the
endorsement. i talked to somebody at wcc to find out,
cause they give the same course i'm taking, only they
charge nothing for it ($25 is kinda almost nothing).

so, the choices are:

- to buy a second bike, practice on it, then xport it to
michigan and do the ride test on that bike. hrm... that
could be apealing...

- to rent a bike for the ride test in michigan... hrm... that's
not such a great idea cause bikes are different, and i'd wanna
have a close personal relationship with a bike before i test
with it.

- take the wcc MSF course in the spring, and waive the test

- try to use the california MSF test to satisfy the michigan
requirement...

i'm not sure which makes the most sense yet.

maybe i ought to re-order them in a bit after i think
more about it.
About this Entry
4 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Oct. 26th, 2005 @ 08:01 am *ponders*
today's weather:

170#. i measured my waist yesterday. 30.5 inches.

for the motorcycle, i've been having to get jackets that
fit right. 42-44 inch chest. inseam 34". i cant find
pants that fit, and hell if i'm going to visit a fat+tall
store to buy $15 pants for $60.

i used to corset down to 29". no need for that anymore.
*shrugs* if i made a corset today, i wonder what waist
size i'd build for ...
About this Entry
5 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jun. 8th, 2005 @ 02:50 pm ...edited ... but i wanna save it... message sent to me...
*sigh* ... i gotta save this ...
i'll add more later...


"After talking to XXXXX the other night she said some things that I think
reinforced the things I have thought about your marriage.

I don't doubt that Larisa thought she loved you.

I don't doubt that she was fascinated by you.

Larisa was fucking fool who didn't KNOW what she
liked/wanted and used YOU to find out.

I also have no doubt that NEXT time you come across
somebody palatable to you, BE CAREFUL!

Larissa was CURIOUS and FASCINATED until she figured things out.
The things she figured out were that she DOES NOT like women
and she wanted a whole man, and these are not my words this
is what she told XXXXX who would never hurt you.
But I think it is just SO FUCKING wrong for her to
NOT tell you to your face. "

there's no way to tell. there's no way to trust anyone.
not from what they say, not from what they do, not from
what they think, not from who they are or what they've
done.

its all worthless.

its all impossible.
About this Entry
6 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
May. 14th, 2005 @ 09:39 pm butter. i smell butter.
here, in this fucking small apartment,
i smell butter.

butter. its butter, rich...
like on some rich bread, some bread
with a thick crust, but i don't
have bread, and there's no butter
nearby...

its not butter. its roasting cauliflower,
turning brown slowly, with pepper and salt
and olive oil.

roasting.

HA. san francisco. so far, i'm not
impressed. i wonder if the THOUGHT of
them being so fucking cool, holds them
together...

but just like the dot com WAS a facade, the
people here seem as much a facade. you dont
get to see them, you see what they've been
told is the right way to be.
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jan. 26th, 2005 @ 08:59 pm done.
i am done.
broken.

undone. unmade.

i am
closing doors.
removing pasts.

there is no history,
that i am.
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jan. 26th, 2005 @ 06:03 pm HA! THERE!
sewing room seems to be doing ok, with the new
serger and simple sewing machine. what more could
you want?

i'm looking at some brocade... i'm seeing what
corsetting materials i have. i know i'm out
of stay tubing. the old supplier is still around.
it will be time to order. i have a single busk
left. i wanna order a better size ...

i'm getting the garage working again. i'm cleaning
some stuff out there. i still have to work around
both of the car shells in there. somebody is interested
in the 69 428 R code GT.

the vibration problem with the table saw was fixed
by getting a new belt. seems the old one became
brittle enough to cause vibration on the table.
i've tested the 80 tooth blades, and the cuts are
crisp and clean. time to build a new audio cabinet,
i'm tired of the old one.

i'm looking into building some small speakers. there's
a number of new ribbon companies... aurum cantus,
raven... i want to build something smallish, like
the size of one of the small sonus faber's ... with
a small woofer... like 5 or 7 inches... there's this
neat scan-speak driver which seems wild... lots of excursion,
small ported cabinet. not bookself...

i got back mail from the audio tech in san diego...
he's got time to fix the old excellent preamp.
i want to send him THAT, and one of the amp's too.
and i'm thinking about some amps which i've wanted
for a LONG LONG time.

i had steamed eggplant with onions, brocolli, and
a tumeric-palmSugar-cococut sauce...

and i'm waiting for a phone call.
About this Entry
3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Dec. 18th, 2004 @ 12:52 am i am here.
i go out, tonite.

i am home, with the smells of christmas baking,
the gingerbreads, the tea cakes ...
russian or mexican ... i dont care

there's nothing for me out there. i play some,
i come home after being called beautiful,
and find something odd on my wrist, something
blinking in my pocket, a yellow kerchief from
referee's at the club. *shrugs*

its not what i want. i know what i want. its not
there anymore. i'm empty.

i am empty.

the cold does not touch me.
it would if i had body, but i don't.

nothing for me.

but i will bake tomorrow, i will make more, to give
to others. not to complete me ANYMORE, but to gift
something which I MAKE, not that i buy. rhugala,
mija, breads, cheeses, more cookies, more sweets,
cheesy potatoes, some odd beans....

cause afterall, its a time to GIVE,
and much as i have nothing,

i have more than many.
About this Entry
1 comment
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Nov. 10th, 2004 @ 02:50 pm no entries.
there's few entries...
just as few as
what's left of 'me'.

death eludes me.
tho i try to strike a bargain,
giving free reign to THAT
nasty part of my head,
wanting to XX me.

there's pools of blood.
knives. ropes.
even impaled into those black and yellow barriers
protecting stray cars from concrete,
while listening to the fucking CD player.

among whispers of less pain.

can i be D-O-N-E?
what promises can ever be made again,
which won't remind me of the already broken ones?

and the point is ... what?
to wait for ... what? exactly what?

another damned lier?
another faker?
or maybe bigger compromises, ya, ya,
subvert myself to pretending something
ANYTHING ... could work.
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Sep. 26th, 2004 @ 02:09 pm chocolate couscous
i'm dusting the bottom of a serving dish with ground pecans and graham crackers just so that the cake slices will lift out easier. i'm lazy, i don't wanna buy another pan, i ought to be using a springform, or a torte pan, but i'm a dork.

i'm making a dessert, its a kinda cake, with a lower layer of chocolate and couscous and a top layer of chocolate and tofu. it sounds awful, just like the details of any food, where does cream cheese come from anyway? and what exactly is cream?

i want amaretto in that top layer. i visit the top shelf, mother hubbard would be proud. damn. another road trip. off to visit my liquor store. oh, they know me. just like they know me at mcdonalds. i wonder if i ought to be embarrased by these associations. i get home, and unscrew the top of the amaretto bottle. then wonder why there's no inside seal like on peanut butter. i add the liquor to the chocolate tofu pudding thing, spread it above the other layer then find some place to hide it in the fridge.

i'm still tired. it was a late night yesterday.
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Sep. 24th, 2004 @ 10:27 am no hunger
i awake slowly. light through the shades in the room pains me.
i've welcome all the rain this year, but more the clouds.
do i want to be perky? should i pretend? what does the world
expect from me?

i have an emptiness, but no longing.
each day is new, but without any plan.

am i broke?

my life is burgled, hidden somewhere in the past.
cheshire smiles of shallow people brings no peace.
their words amuse me, i watch them twist about in
their lives using what they have to build meaning.
some have THINGS, some have THOUGHTS, some have
TIME, some have LUST.

i am the muddler.
About this Entry
3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Sep. 16th, 2004 @ 09:54 am overcast.
with that warm sticky skin feeling.
i feel it when i stretch my fingers wide.
its quiet too. i'm listening for thunder,
wishing it was dark, so i could see lightening...

remembering looking out at a green-yellow
thunderstorm comming... twilight, windy, with
that chill just before the rain comes. we're
sitting on the tiny front porch, on those crappy
fold up camping chairs, watching the cloud to cloud
lights, orange colors changing from the setting sun.
green colors from the clouds, yellow reflected ones.
purples from the lightening.


i have rituals.

i stop at mcd's to pick up a diet coke,
something small to eat, one of the burritos.
get to the office, and scrape the inside to eat,
and ditch the tortilla. one of the office people here
talks to me about his GF. then takes me to show off
a picture of them together, and shows me how happy they
WERE together. then says he doesn't understand how
they got to NOW.

i don't eat anything anymore. well, mostly i don't.
yesterday i had dinner at a mexican restaurant with [info]spunkolebat
a small place, with the cute place mats pinned to the ceiling.
place mats with cutouts in them, different designs. like a place i
ate at in new mexico. i order the chicken-enchilada-mole. its good,
like that place in new mexico.
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link